'Ana-Bul'

'Ana Bul' Series

A series of works inspired by my time battling anorexia and bulimia

2005 - 2009

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150. The Seven Deadly Sins | Self Owned | Inspired after a visit from some old friends from ‘up north’ in Sedgefield by Jacky and David Wheatly. It was fabulous to see them again after so many years. David is suffering from the unavoidable perils of age but Jacky has not changed a bit and is still as madcap, zany and loving as I remember her. After a random discussion on the seven deadly sins, I decided to capture the moment in this painting. I have to admit that I terribly guilty of all seven. Wrath in my increasing intolerance of people; Lust for perfection; Greed for own way; Envy of others; Gluttony for my eating disorders; Pride in my control and Sloth in my lack of vivacity and change. The characters on the front of each canvas is the ‘Elder Futhark’ rune representative letter for each sin: Top | Top: Wrath Top | Bottom: Lust Top | Left: Greed | Avarice Top | Right: Envy Middle: Gluttony Bottom | Top: Pride Bottom | Bottom: Sloth | Date unknown | Oil on canvas | 6” x 6” [x7]

148. Last Post | Dedicated to Granddad Mellanby | Eric – ‘A ruler of all’ And boy was he just that. In his own taciturn style he stood like a pillar, never to be moved on his views or ideas and defying anyone in his way. His way was always won but his stubbornness was his endearing idiosyncrasy. His strength, determination and dogma is his legacy, his philosophy and his commemoration. You may be gone from this World but not from our hearts where your principles and convictions will live on. Your ideals are too strong to be purged from your dynasty; death for you was never going to be your ‘last post’! | February 2009 | Oil on canvas | 16” x 20”

147. Guiding Light | Dedicated to Debbie? | £150 | We can get so comfortable in our surroundings that we fail to see the mist covering our path and risk losing our way. I have been lucky enough to encounter a new ‘guiding light’ who has once again revealed the path beneath my feet, enabling me to continue, with renewed energy, to succeed along my journey. | February 2009 | Oil on canvas | 20” x 16”

146. Seeking Inner Sibling | Self Owned | There is a person I used to know and respect; etched deep within my soul. I am desperate to unite with them again and if I take the risk of a fall; reach out and stretch myself as far as I can; maybe, just maybe; I can connect with them once more.........… | November 2008 | Oil on canvas | 16” x 12”

145. Ambivalence | £75 | I have been secure hiding behind this façade of an illness now for so long I am losing touch with physical warning signs. It has been my comfort blanket and shield for a long time; but with new career opportunities I now find myself with a new liberation of energy and vitality. Consequently my routines have become very disagreeable and objectionable; to the extent that I am now following these rituals out of sheer habit and no longer enjoyment. I am now mentally & emotionally ambivalent. On the one hand, my routines offer me a sanctuary but also a prison, whereas change brings uncertainty and fear but the possibility of happiness and regeneration. It is time to make a stand and take control of my life again! | August 2008 | Oil on canvas | 20” x 16”

143. Holy Moly! | Dedicated to Nick | Meeting up with a great friend, Nick was inspirational recently. It is amazing how true friendships can last the length and tests of time without fading. It takes true friends to see beyond the bravado and peripheral shields we put around ourselves and into the true inner-depths of our spirit. Nick gave me a great boost of confidence and enthusiasm regarding my artistic potential and has actually commissioned this painting from me. Nick you are a true friend and I am indebted to your inspiration to take up my art again. This has been a real point of revelation for me – ‘Holy Moly’ Phil, get a grip, listen to those who love you and get back to who you really are! | August 2008 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 14”

142. Cock Up! | £50 | Is my life just one big ‘Cock Up’! or am I just gaining strength from all these challenges? Facing financial difficulties I lost the pub before it was given the opportunity to succeed. This was a heart wrenching time for me, as the pub was my dream and it was ripped away from me so undeservedly. Never the less, I picked myself up and made a move to Derby to try and start once again. Unfortunately, however, I found myself falling back into old routines and not making that leap forward as I had hoped. It has taken a long while and a lot of soul searching, but I have finally managed to secure a living that I believe will make me very happy. Let’s hope then, that this is the end of all the ‘Cock Up’s’ in my recent life and the start of a bright new, happy future. Bring back the true Phil! | August 2008 | Oil on canvas | 14” x 18”

141. Full Stop | £75 | I am facing majorly traumatic business troubles right now, cash-flow is going in the wrong direction and I am on the verge of shutting up shop and calling it a day! This business has been my dream for so long and has brought me such happiness in better times but with the wolves at the door and the stress beginning to take its toll on my thoughts and outlook, how long can I go on before it all comes to a full stop?! | January 2008 | Oil on canvas | 16” x 12”

140. Flutter | £100 | Today sees the opening of my first ever art exhibition. This fills me with great pride and happiness however I am also feeling extremely nervous and apprehensive about the event. My art has always been something I have gained great pleasure from and it has certainly facilitated my journey of discovery and renovation, but I am now putting it out on public display for all to view and critique. This makes me very uneasy as I never set out to say ‘hey look at me!’ I have never held much personal faith in my art and I am suddenly opening myself up to public analysis. On top of this, I am beginning to question my own development yet again, am I doing enough and am I truly changing my mind set? Certainly I have gained a great deal of weight recently and not only feel significantly better but am beginning to look it as well. Even with recent promises being revoked, I am forging ahead, as difficult as it may be – as this is true leap of faith right now – I am still hoping for those promises to be re-instated but have no guarantees so is all this progression worth it right now?! Added to the current French house issues right now, I am certainly feeling quite a few flutters in my tummy right now and they are making me feel rather nauseous. Am I just going about all this half-heartedly or am I spending too much time analysing and agonizing over my own thoughts and emotions right now? | January 2008 | Oil on canvas | 20” x 30”

139. HALO | £125 | The promise of help to achieve my goals and happiness has been revoked from someone I trusted with all my heart. I feel that all my Hope for happiness has now been Abandoned and I have Lost the Opportunity to fulfil my dreams. In this time of Christmas celebration, I am left feeling dejected, morose and addled about my future. | December 2007 | Oil on canvas | 24” x 18”

138. Head in Hands | £75 | I am at a loss as to what to do right now. As hard as I try I do not seem to be able to make significant progress both with my life and new business venture. Although great leaps have been made and I have experienced great moments of success, there is no consistency as of yet. I am left with my head in my hands agonising over how to ensure greater levels of success before everything comes crashing down around me. I must use these pensive times to my advantage and focus on positive solutions rather than destructive deliberations. | October 2007 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 14”

136. Freefalling | £150 | I feel I am freefalling right now and can’t stop! Things are happening so quickly right now and I have a fear that if I do not slam on the breaks soon I will come crashing down. However I am confident that my safety chute will open in time and allow me to drift back down to earth safely; so in the meanwhile I shall revel in the rush, exhilaration and excitement that I am currently experiencing and relish the moment. | August 2007 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 24”

135. Break | £150 | An amazing new business opportunity has presented itself and is going to prove to be the motivation I need to break these chains from my demons. This is the break I have been yearning for and I am about to commence on a brand new exciting start to my life. The dawn is breaking, the cock is crowing and the light is getting, stronger, brighter and ever more warming. | August 2007 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 24”

134. Towards Impending Metamorphous | £75 | We are celebrating the recent success of yet another amazing job opportunity, realised by a loved one. This phenomenal achievement is a true reflection on his commitment, focus and drive to continuously deliver outstanding results for his family. It appears that metamorphous is afoot for all of us right now; and what a magnificent spectacle it will be once this impending transformation is accomplished. | July 2007 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 14”

133. Bubble | £125 | I have turned my hand to making home-made wine and while it sits, warm and snug, bubbling away, this is not the only thing brewing in my life. Like yeast on sugar, something is eating away inside me, fermenting, growing and evolving. Change is underway and the ultimate release of renewed energy imminent. | July 2007 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 24”

132. SORRY! | £75 | I’m sorry for my naivety; I’m sorry for my errors; I’m sorry for my lack of focus; I’m sorry my erratic emotions; I’m sorry for my lack of achievement; I’m sorry for my lack of energy; I’m sorry for letting loved ones down; I’m sorry for letting myself down! I’m sorry for being so weak; I’m sorry for my demons; I’m sorry for feeling this way; I’m sorry for my actions; I’m sorry for the pain I cause; I’m sorry for being sorry! I’M SORRY! | July 2007 | Oil on canvas | 14” x 18”

131. For Love Of Our Dreams | £125 | With the recent deluge of rain we have experienced this month, I found myself stranded for 48 hours in Swindon. After pursuing a new and exciting job opportunity, I initially attempted my journey home, to be rewarded with an exceptional 20 mile round trip in 5 hours before calling it a day and checking back into the hotel. The rain was relentless and over a months worth of precipitation occurred in a matter of hours, resulting in more massive flooding to the area. Trying to expedite my escape from the West Country the following day, with a rather confused ‘Tom Tom’, I found myself negotiating rather remote rural lanes, but my progress homeward thwarted at every turn by yet another flooded route. Throughout my travels I encountered numerous abandoned homes by people defeated by the onslaught of water. Even with all my own troubles and dilemmas, my heart sank at the sight of these discarded dwellings and how the owners must be feeling about their loss and devastation. It really did start to put things back into reality for me. So not only do we have a flooding of the British realm but I also find myself flooded with emotions and feelings about my own current state of affairs and how I need to continually push myself further towards well-being and realisation of my dreams. You never know when a real and significant tragedy will hit, and I must be ready to react, cope and adjust to avoid being swept away in the flood waters. | July 2007 | Oil on canvas | 24” x 18”

130. Moutarde | £75 | I harbour an insatiable penchant for mustard; which has recently been pandered to by a gift of strong French mustard and a gorgeous little mustard pot. Akin to the fervent effects of mustard, I am beginning to regain a fire in my belly and re-taste the spice of life! Let this renewed blistering spirit of passion burn on within me and focus my resolve on a piquant and spicy new future. | July 2007 | Oil on canvas | 20” x 16”

128. Does Uncertainty Come Knowingly | £175 | Shaun the duck is no longer with us! A sly fox stalked and sneaked up on him, bringing his untimely demise. The fox must have been targeting his mate, because instead of fleeing to the refuge of the pond, Shaun must have attacked his attacker heroically saving the sanctity of his loved one. He will be missed terribly but his memory will live on. In a similar light, I to find myself being stalked by my nemesis. I have recently received some very positive news regarding renewed career opportunities, but find that this has not been accepted by all in the same light; resulting in uncertainty about my own abilities and strength. I know this apathy is only a result of love, concern and care about my immediate welfare and pushing myself too far to soon, but I am left feeling somewhat alone in my elation. The potential to be dragged back down is very real right now, but the urge to succeed is growing even stronger in me. Like Shaun, I will not duck and run from my foe, but turn and fight! Unlike Shaun however, I will not be defeated by my enemy as I am aware of its presence and armed with this knowledge I now have the opportunity to gather my strength, focus and artillery in order to overwhelm this negativity with positivity. | July 2007 | Oil on canvas | 14” x 18”

127. Break Through | £125 | Yeah me! All my endeavours with recent routine changes have resulted in some amazing results. Not only have I managed to maintain a steady weight gain, but it was revealed to me today that my latest blood results are all in the ‘normal’ range and I am, at present, out of the immediate danger zone. Although my weight is still too low & my heart results a slight concern, I have taken this news very positively and I am excited and energised about the future. I have definitely turned a corner here and broken through a number of mental and physical barriers. I must allow my current enthusiasm to carry me on to the next level and continue to challenge and revolutionise my routines and mindset. These are new and exciting times and I am looking forward to breaking though forthcoming barriers with as much gusto, energy and satisfaction. | July 2007 | Oil on canvas | 24” x 18”

124. Lime Light | £125 | Paranoid as it may be, I feel that all eyes are on me at the moment. I have just secured my first ever art exhibition, it is not until January 2008 but I am so excited about the prospect of my art being displayed publicly. However this has made me anxious about not only the quality of my art but bearing out my emotions and journey on my sleeve. How will I cope with the attention, recognition and possibly criticism?! In addition to these emotions, I am also very wary of the fact as a result of significant changes to my routines recently, I have been both gaining weight and energy. Consequently I have been feeling a great deal better with myself physically, although still battling emotionally, but this has enabled me to take on additional responsibilities and start repaying in some way all the support I have been given by loved ones. This is a positive step, but I am apprehensive about the positive feedback I am starting to receive and just waiting for the first remarks regarding my weight gain and how I will deal with genial, yet potentially flippant remarks regarding my gains. I must prepare myself mentally for these comments and take them in a positive light rather than allowing myself to read negativity and criticism into them. Each stage of this journey brings new opportunities and challenges. I have always regaled in the ‘lime light’ before and encouraged the attention and need to evoke these feelings of elation once again rather than evading them. | June 2007 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 24”

123. Haven’t You Done Enough! | £75 | My ‘Mr Hyde’ is stirring once again and threatening to engulf and overwhelm my more positive side. This fiend has already been responsible for so much misery and unhappiness in my life that it is time to shout ‘enough is enough!’ I have been working so hard to beat this beast into submission and banish him from my life that I cannot allow this unforeseen intrusion any more opportunity to spread his evil curse. I need to muster all my positivity at this time and exorcize this evil from my emotions before his hold becomes too strong! | June 2007 | Oil on canvas | 20” x 16”

122. Friendly Acknowledgement Manifests Euphoria | £75 | Wanting to lay down some roots, we recently went to view a new property development. On arrival at the sales office, I was greeted with not only a warm and friendly welcome but a personal acknowledgment of recognition regarding my art. It turns out that I had been recognised as a result of a recent local newspaper article and the sense of notoriety, as brief as it may have been, made me feel alive and renewed a strong belief in myself. I would like this feeling of being in the spot light and subsequent euphoria, to be manifested more often and so I must continue with my progression, amplify my vitality and vigour; and continue on this path of positivity and achievement. | June 2007 | Oil on canvas | 14” x 18”

121. Epiphany | £100 | I have recently been overwhelmed with ‘eye-opening’ moments. I am feeling so positive and energetic at the moment that even the revelation of my greatest weight gain, since beginning counselling, has not perturbed me; in fact it has ironically driven me further forward towards beating this demon of mine. This increased vigour has incited me to pursue numerous job opportunities and although I have faced several rejections, I have also been elated in a couple of inquisitive replies. I am not expecting much to come of these opportunities right now, but the mere fact that someone, unknown, is vaguely interested in me has really boosted my ego and resolve. But my greatest epiphany came in the guise of a dream. I was viewing myself in a mirror, I had gained weight and contrary to my current belief, I was not appalled at the image starring back at me, in fact rather the reverse. I found myself admiring the image in front of me and elated with my new, fuller, muscular and healthy body image. I will hold this reflection in my conscious thoughts and allow its strength to subdue and suffocate any future negative and corrupt thoughts that threaten to hamper my progress and positivity. | June 2007 | Oil on canvas | 24” x 18”

120. Cliff Face | £100 | I have fought my way through the turbulent waters and now find myself lying, breathless on a shingle beach with water lapping around my heals and the sharp stones tearing at my flesh. These turbulent waters are still beckoning and are threatening to engulf me yet again; dragging me back into turmoil. My only escape is to gather my strength and climb the chalky cliff face ahead of me. I can not see the summit, and the climb is going to be gruelling and arduous. I am sure I will lose my footing on several occasions but the enticement of reaching the top and the brighter, clearer and safer views it will present is too compelling to give up on. So here begins the climb to the apex of my goals and the elation of success. Note: This painting has been inspired by a long awaited reunion with childhood family friends who have shown me so much love and support. Meeting up with them and enjoying their company and friendship has boosted my resolve in regaining my vitality, positivity and spirit. | June 2007 | Oil on canvas | 16” x 20”

119. Water Pressure | £100 | My weight is going up, but I fear the water is crashing down all around me! I have suddenly become anxious about this recent gain and am feeling the pressure of defeat pushing in on me. I am thrashing around, struggling for air and am on the brink of being engulfed and dragged under in this turbulence. My head is swimming with an eddy of emotions. I need to gather my strength, kick with all my might and with my final breath make a break for the surface. I have been engulfed before and allowed myself to be swept further down, but I am determined not to be overcome this time. If I can fight myself closer towards the surface I know there will be supporting hands to help drag me from this turbulence and towards brighter and calmer skies. | June 2007 | Oil on canvas | 20” x 16”

118. Rising Star | £75 | Ro has been offered a well deserved promotion at work! She is so dedicated, committed and passionate about her job and I am so proud of all her achievements, she truly is a rising star! It is time for us both to take some time now and reflect back on both our recent achievements and celebrate our successes so that we can continue to grow in strength, rise to great heights and illuminate our lives; banishing the shadows for good. | June 2007 | Oil on canvas | 14” x 18”

117. Burning Platform | £75 | My councillor recently provided an inspired and accurate picture of my current emotions. With the prospect of hospitalisation hanging over my head, it is as if I am trapped at the top of a burning building. There is a means of escape but this option is not without risks and comes with its own set of fears and anxiety. In order to escape inevitable devise from the encroaching flames I must leap from the building into an awaiting safety net below, but will I be caught at the end of the fall or will the jump also result in my fatality? The odds of survival are in my favour if I make the leap, but the fear and apprehension is just as real as the flames licking around my ankles! The fear of the unknown can have a paralysing effect but if I do not make my move soon I will be engulfed by the blaze and brought down with the rest of the rubble! I must close my eyes and put faith in those holding the safety net, that they will break my fall and save me from tragedy! | May 2007 | Oil on canvas | 14” x 18”

116. Play On | £75 | After such initial success with my new routine and weight gain, I recently let myself down by wimping out of a lunch opportunity with family. I have definitely dropped the ball on this occasion, but thankfully with little adverse consequences to my weight gain, so if I am quick and pick the ball back up, I will be permitted to play on! | May 2007 | Oil on canvas | 14” x 18"

115. Mischievous Messengers | £100 | I have embarked on a new regime, mind-set and belief in myself; however I am already facing conflicting emotions. On the one side I am motivated, committed and focused on regaining my health and attitude; yet on the other I am being dogged by fear, apprehension and anxiety. One of these emotions will triumph, but which one? In the past it has been my positive side that has faced numerous relegations to the determent of my progression and goals, allowing darker thoughts to fill my mind and hinder my advancement. It is now time to take stock of these mixed messages, re-invigorate my positive faith and allow it to grow, expand and overwhelm future mischievous negativity and doubt! | May 2007 | Oil on canvas | Two 12” x 16”

114. Onward With Evasion | £100 | The idea of being admitted into hospital, to aid my recovery, is dwelling heavily on my mind. I know that I have now forced my own hand, and if offered a place within care then I will not refuse it, however the thought is so distressing that I am determined to do all I can to promote my own recovery and avoid internship. I now have an opportunity to make drastic changes to both my physical and mental stature before the impending incarceration and indeed owe it to myself to evade this situation at all costs. So today is the beginning of a new regime and mind-set, and fingers crossed, I will have made sufficient progress in time to avert loss of my freedom and dignity. | May 2007 | Oil on canvas | 20” x 16”

113. Who am I? | £100 | I am prisoner of my own mind! Like prisoner 24601, Jean Val Jean, I have been imprisoned and no matter what opportunities I embark on, I get dragged back to a life of oppression and servitude. It is time to face my foes, shrug off this tyranny and face the impending revolution. No longer will I be suppressed, restrained or repressed by my nemesis. It is time to vanquish my demons, discard this robe of repression and resurrect who I truly am! | May 2007 | Oil on canvas | 24” x 18”

112. Bolthole | £100 | It has been confirmed that I have been placed on the waiting list to be taken into professional care for my condition. After yet another year and very little physical change, it is believed that now is the time to act, expedite my recovery and place my development into other people’s hands. There is no time period for this internship, but in preparation I recently paid a visit to the in-patient care facilities and what a wake-up call it has been. Such a drastic change to my routine would be imposed from day one and the thought of being away from loved ones is preying on my mind intolerably. However, this is a necessary and long overdue step to recovery and I know it is the right thing to do, even though the thought is highly disturbing to me and I am facing anguish, confusion and anxiety. I have responded to this revelation by recoiling and seeking a safer, more comfortable place to hide in, I have fled into my myself to muse over the situation and reflect upon my emotions, motivations and commitment. I know I can’t stay in this place for long, but for now it is my safest option as I am fearful of my current emotions and alienating all those I love and cherish. I have a lot of thinking to do, but little time to be pensive, so I had better make the most of the moment and come back out of this bolthole stronger, focused and passionate to make the change. | May 2007 | Oil on canvas | 20” x 16”

111. Liberating Inner Truths | £100 | I have forced my own hand! I have committed myself to making a change one way or another. After speaking to my councillor there is a growing likelihood that I will be admitted into care in order to overcome this nightmare of mine. These drastic measures were instigated by myself with a purpose to put an end to this regime by either handing over control to a third party or scaring myself into making the necessary changes myself in order to avoid relinquishing my autonomy. Either way, I am now forced to explore and expedite inner truths about myself. These revelations may not be comfortable and I am looking at some difficult times ahead, but the fuse is now lit, there is no going back and the detonation of victory is underway! | May 2007 | Oil on canvas | 24” x 18"

110. Through A Lens | £100 | I was recently viewing some photographs that Mum & Dad had taken on their dream trip to China, which led onto a discussion over the pros and cons of video verses still photography. Without commentary, an unexplained photo is left to the viewers interpretation of that snap shot in time which left me pondering how an outsider, with no knowledge of my state of mind would view a snap shot of my life? Would they see the dilemmas, anguish and torment I have faced and be able to empathise with my situation or would they see a fragile and broken individual or a strong and fervent person surrounded by love and affection? Would they see a dull haze in my eyes or a glimmer of hope and anticipation? Would they feel sorry for the person they saw or a feeling of excitement about the voyage I am embarking on? A picture should be worth a thousand words, but I am concerned about the words that my images instil in peoples minds. Do I want to be remembered in such light? I want people to be able to view my life as a happy and fulfilled experience but fear that this is currently not the case. I need to position myself behind the camera and view my life through a lense and instigate the appropriate changes in order to construct an enhanced image. | May 2007 | Oil on canvas | 20” x 16”

109. Big Dipper | £125 | I am on a bit of a roller coaster of emotions right now. I have recently been informed that the art I submitted to a local competition has not been selected as a finalist. This news is obviously upsetting and I have found myself questioning the quality of my art. I have been through the ringer trying to justify my paintings and to not let this devastating news prevent me from my love of painting and the personal encouragement it provides me, this at the end of the day is far more important than other peoples opinions, but as I am so sensitive to others judgments this is proving to be a difficult task and self doubt is always lurking around the corner. I have been trying hard not to let this setback hinder my progress in any way and during a very pensive moment, became inspired by an old myth I was once told as a child about the constellation ‘Ursa Major’. I am not sure where I recall this story from and am unsure about its validity, but it has always been special to me: ‘Before time began, Heaven and Earth were a lot closer together, in-fact so close that it was possible to readily voyage between the two. One day, three men and their dog were hunting four deer. The deer slipped into the heavens to try and evade the hunters; however the men were wily creatures and duly followed their prey into the heavens and continued with their hunt. On this same day, a particularly large God, weary of always hitting his head on the heavens as he strolled around the earth, decided to raise the heavens above his head and prevent further injuries. The consequence of his actions resulted in all those who had ventured into the heavens being trapped there, unable to make the now long journey back to the earth. And so there they stay, for all eternity, chasing their quarry across the heavens’. In a similar light, I must raise myself to a higher plane, not lose sight of my personal quarry and continue with the chase, for as long as it takes, to achieve my goals. | May 2007 | Oil on canvas | 24” x 18”

108. Raucous Overtures Among Relations | £100 | We celebrated my parents Ruby Wedding Anniversary over the weekend and what a fantastic day it was. Being immersed in the family fold and revelling in the raucous banter that was being bandied around was heart-warming. Everyone seemed to be bidding for their moment on the floor and their voice to be heard; that at times their overtures reached fever pitch and the decibels grew enough to drown out a jet engine. All the energy, fun and love that surrounded the day made me want to yell with joy and elation and I am eager to enjoy many more of these moments. Watching people eat, drink and be merry with such ease and enjoyment has given me inspiration to be able to achieve this state of nirvana myself soon, and to prevent future situations being of such cause and concern to me. There is nothing to fear and all to gain in letting lose and enjoying life rather than making it a burden to myself. I am filling my lungs and about to ROAR with pride, satisfaction and success! | May 2007 | Oil on canvas | 20” x 16”

107. Drama Unifies New Knowledge | £100 | Life is very dramatic right now. I have so many targets and deadlines to meet on a daily and weekly basis and an increased realisation of the support and nurture I need to provide to loved ones; that I am in danger of being dunked under the water and drowning. All these focuses and activities, however, have resulted in a strengthened resolve, understanding and commitment to succeed on this road to recovery as I am in desperate need for a boost of vitality, vigour and verve in order to achieve these aspirations and keep my head above water. | May 2007 | Oil on canvas | 24” x 18"

106. Big Bother | £100 | It has been brought to light recently that the 2007 series of ‘Big Brother’ is about to commence. This revelation has hit me quite hard, as it was around this time last year that I first returned from France to set out on my road to recovery. I remember during the time I lived at my Parents, popping down to my sister’s house every evening to indulge in our BB fix over a bottle of wine and gossip. This is where I first made the commitment to restore myself to my previous health and modify my behaviours and mind-set. Although a lot of progress has been made within this time, it has been quite a stark realisation that yet another year has passed and I am still stuck in a rut regarding my routines. This is a big bother to me, but all these jolts back to reality are strengthening my resolve, commitment and actions in achieving genuine recovery. | May 2007 | Oil on canvas | 20” x 16”

105. Two Down | £100 | Neither of us is very well at the moment. Ro is suffering from pains in her face and a dodgy stomach which is preventing her from eating. It upsets me terribly when someone I love is feeling down and I have a tendency to stress on about it, probably too much which doesn’t help either of us. Coupled with the fact that I too have been feeling rubbish with regards to my new calorie intake, I have been left with a rather muddled mind. We both need to pick ourselves up and ensure we focus and do all we can in order to ensure our health, strength and wellbeing. | May 2007 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 14”

104. Starting Line | £100 | ’On Your Marks, ….. Get Set, ….. GO!’ I am standing here on the starting line of a new me. I have committed to eating a healthier balanced diet and to stick to this. The idea of gaining weight is terrifying me, but I am committed to this path and have only the winning in line in sight now. There may be a few tumbles along the way, but I will pick myself up and refocus on my aspirations. As I await the starters’ orders, I feel tense with anticipation but the kick of adrenalin and boost of energy will drive me through to victory. | April 2007 | Oil on canvas | 24” x 18”

103. Demonstratively Out Of Reach | £100 | I am currently in discussions with a number of banks regarding funding our business opportunity. What has come to light is that although they are interested in our project and supporting us along the way, they are unable to help us secure a loan on a foreign property. This leaves us with a significant shortfall in capital that we can currently lay our hands on and it is distinctly likeful that we will lose out on the property that we have highlighted for our new venture. Unless we are able to release this capital from our French property then our business prospect is increasingly demonstrating to be out of our reach. We have a lot of imminent decisions to make, which will no doubt test our commitment, beliefs and vision for the future. But as they say, as one door closes, another opens and we have to hold an affirmative attitude to finding that new door and walking through it; together. | April 2007 | Oil on canvas 16” x 20”

102. Smell the Roses | £100 | What a wake up call I have I had from my councillor & dietician. I am putting myself at major physical risk by maintaining such a low body weight. If I don’t do something soon to rectify this issue, I could face major health complications down the line. I am also endeavouring to initiate a new business venture and will definitely need the energy and stamina to be successful in this new enterprise and so need to ‘wake up and smell the roses’! I have set myself some challenging goals for the near future, I know this is not going to be easy and quite painful but I must break through this period of anguish in order to achieve my desired goals. Come on – WAKE UP! | April 2007 | Oil on canvas | 20” x 16”

101. Wing and a Prayer | £150 | We have been inspired to open up our own business through ‘serendipARTy’ and have some fantastic ideas on how to drive this opportunity forward. We have even stumbled upon some exceptional icons that epitomises our venture. Unfortunately, all our capital is currently tied up which is presently preventing our progression. We are currently on a ‘Wing and a Prayer’ right now that this capital will be released shortly in order to pursue our endeavour. In the meantime, a period of positive thinking is in order and a staunch belief in ‘Que Serra, Serra’! | April 2007 | Oil on canvas | 20” x 30”

100. One two Nothing | £100 | This is my Centenieth painting and I am very proud to have continued with my art for so long. However, looking back at my previous art works I have become increasingly agitated over how long I have been suffering from this illness and to some respect how little progress I have made. Although I have made a lot of mental progress to combat this condition, my weight has changed very little; nor has my physical well-being. The game that is being played out in my head must be beaten; I am approaching the end of this match facing a nil-nil draw which is an unacceptable outcome and so must up my performance in order to obtain that one-nil win over this malady. | April 2007 | Oil on canvas | 20” x 16”

99. Change Oppresses Predicted Events | £100 | I have been facing some significant changes to my routine recently which has once again thrown me. I know I should be able to cope with change more readily than I currently am as I am allowing routine to rule my life. I have adapted to change admirably in the past, but I have always enjoyed time being on my side in order to manage and manipulated these adaptations to my own needs. Unpredicted change still results in me reeling with anxiety and terror with the consequences of upsetting and offending those around me. Change is inevitable; and in retrospect is regularly constructive; so I need to focus on how I am going to both react and cope with change in a more positive fashion when faced with it in the future; and take advantage of new opportunities. | April 2007 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 14”

98. Going Off-track Accelerates Learning | £125 | When the CEO of IBM was once asked, by a trainee, what the secret of his success was, he responded “Double your failure rate!” I have always found these words inspirational and certainly believe that you learn the most from your mistakes. The only caveat I have is that you learn from these mistakes and make appropriate adjustment so as not to repeat the same mistakes again and continue to grow and develop. Not being afraid of certain failure enables you to push your comfort zone more eagerly and strengthen your rate of development. I am currently facing one of these times of failure in achieving my goals – I seem to have come off track recently and temporarily lost sight of my main goals. It is time to get back on track and push forward with my dreams and desires. This period of failure is not to be dwelt upon negatively, but be viewed as a learning experience and valued as an opportunity to re-align and adapt; to enhance and expand my goals and gain positive learning points for the future. | April 2007 | Oil on canvas | 24” x 18”

97. Pointless! | £100 | What am I doing? I am rapidly losing interest in my routine, the edge is ebbing and I am left pondering what is the point in continuing with this monotonous dependency on food and habit. Why I am still fighting this weight gain, I have still to comprehend; it all seems so senseless to me right now, so why am I still pursuing this relentless goal? I am feeling very frustrated right now, as I know in my heart that I yearn to gain weight and improve both my physical and mental state, but when presented with the potential to make a difference I retreat from the opportunity and find myself back at the beginning and feeling remorseful. There is no point anymore in continuing on this current path, I am surrounded by people who constantly show their love and support; I have new goals to achieve and my life is more fulfilled than it has in a long time. I need to conquer this addiction, perhaps an episode of ‘cold turkey’ is on the menu to kick start this process of recovery – oh how ironic, more references to food! | April 2007 | Oil on canvas | 16” x 20”

96. Rejoicing Union Between You | Donated to Mum & Dad | Mum & Dad are celebrating their Ruby wedding anniversary, in May this year, and to celebrate, have just set off on their dream holiday – a trip to China. Their union together has always been strong and their love for each other even surpasses that of the love they show to their family. Their bond will only strengthen as time passes and their devotion and affection for each other will be eternal. I love my parents with all my heart and can never thank them enough for all the love and support they have always shown me, but I hope they can see the love that I have for them back. Have a great holiday you deserve to live your dreams to the full. Note: This painting is dedicated to the love and affection of my parents. | April 2007 | Oil on canvas | Two 12” x 16”

95. Countdown | £100 | I am feeling like a ticking bomb at the moment! I am wound up like a spring and about to explode. Why am I holding back, what am I waiting for? I know the time is nigh and I am about to make a drastic improvement on my weight gain, so why am I still fighting it right now? I don’t have the answer to this, but I know that when I release this energy, it will be extremely dramatic. The seconds are ticking away, the countdown has begun and the spectacle is about to take off! | April 2007 | Oil on canvas | 20” x 16”

94. Heightened Elevation Leads to Palpitations | £100 | What a fabulous Easter it has been. This season of re-generation and new life has not been restricted to nature but also to my own development and re-growth. I have been embracing the change in season and the opportunity to make differences to my own life and routine. I have recently been pushing myself hard and exploring new experiences and which has opened up my mind and pushed my comfort zones. As a result I have enjoyed greater weight gain and an increased sense of worth, energy and motivation. However this advancement has also left me with a feeling of anxiety as I begin to relinquish control over my eating habits. As I rise to higher heights, I am finding it ever more challenging to restrain negative thoughts from being re-introduced and am battling with palpitations of fear over this weight gain. I am in need of some help in rationalising these apprehensions and must be courageous enough to ask for it, so as not to encounter a fall from this new elevation. I am determined to continue with this development and enjoy the more positive feelings, drawing on these emotions for further advancement. | April 2007 | Oil on canvas | Two x 12” x 16"

93. Languishing Over Silent Treatment | £100 | I have recently received some fantastic publicity with regard to my art, progression with this illness and the positivity that has transpired. Unfortunately this recognition has not been revealed in the same way by those nearest and dearest to me which has left me feeling frustrated and thwarted. I feel that the silence I have encountered has resulted in the loss of a jubilant moment. I know that I am probably being too over sensitive to this situation but being allowed to be so pensive has had a negative effect on me and I have become somewhat maudlin. I must turn this around and make sure that this experience is not truly lost and I take time to enjoy the more positive side of my moment. | April 2007 | Oil on canvas | 20” x 16”

92. Anticipating Rosier Times | £100 | Things are definitely on the move right now, Ro & I are both motivated by the possibility of a new business venture and the prospects it will bring. Although this is nowhere near ‘in the bag’, and we have to be wary of ‘rose tinted glasses’ it is a definite start to a whole new beginning. Even if this venture does not materialise, we are focused and resolute in developing our opportunity and are both looking forward to a brighter future and rosier days. | April 2007 | Oil on canvas | 14” x 18”

91. Tick | £125 | It’s my birthday! Yeah! I’ve turned 34 today, 3rd April 2007, and I am excited about turning a new leaf and beginning a new start to my life. I have been reflecting over the past couple of years recently and the journey that I have travelled, and although I have a lot to be remorseful about, I feel I should contemplate and recognize the positive that has also come out of this voyage of learning and discovery. I should be too mature and learned to be in this situation right now, so marking the date of my birth is an ideal opportunity to cease this insanity and move on with my life. I have a lot to look forward to and will certainly need the energy, motivation and resourcefulness to move forward with our business venture. Life is ticking on, so now is the time to make some dramatic changes. 2007 was always going to be an immense year for us and I feel that thirty four will also be that inspirational numeral to boost my recovery. Come on, I’m ready for whatever you have to throw at me! | April 2007 | Oil on canvas | 24” x 18”

90. Reflections | £125 | In the lead up to my birthday, I have found myself reflecting back over previous years which have left me feeling distressed, anxious and extremely pensive. What have I been doing with my life, how did I end up here and what do I have to show for it all? All I know is that I have such tremendous support from the people I love, who have all been so understanding and patient with my recovery. It is time to up the tempo again and finally conquer this demon and relegate it back to where it belongs! I don’t want to be looking back at darker times anymore, from now I will be facing the future and the contentment this will bring. | April 2007 | Oil on canvas | 16” x 20”

89. Vivant | £125 | Things are really moving at the moment, I have opportunities opening up to me with my art galleries, business prospects, personal and physical development and to top it all I have managed to secure some publicity with a local paper for my art and journey of my recovery. This is all very exciting to me and I am feeling really alive right now, as if I have regained a pulse – I am on fire and I am loving it! It just goes to show that when you have some goals and inspiration then your enthusiasm and drive for life follows in direct correlation. I know that there is still a journey to travel but I now know that I am on the right path. Even if things do get a little difficult down the route then I am confident I will be able to navigate myself back on track and continue to progress with my energy, vigour, vitality and revel in the feeling of being alive once again. | March 2007 | Oil on canvas | 24” x 18”

88. Seeking Orbital Solace | £150 | As the saying goes: ‘Reach for the moon; even if you miss you will still be among the stars!’ I hold these words of wisdom close to my heart and have always aimed high, but for some reason, the recent opportunities that have been presented to me, I am finding rather daunting. I need to set some hefty health and business goals in order to stretch my comfort zone, in which I have found myself and break this destructive cycle. Change is always uneasy but as another wise man once said ‘doing the same thing and expecting a different result is insanity!’ (Einstein). Some radical changes are about to happen, but this in itself is both exciting and distressing. In order to achieve my goals, I need to seek some help in focusing my thoughts, ideas and energy as I can not do this in solitude. My mission to the moon is about to commence, who will be on board with me? | March 2007 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 24”

87. Predicting A Thoroughfare Hurts | £50 | Oh the options! More opportunities are currently presenting themselves and hopefully some of them will come off. This is exciting me somewhat but also making me feel very anxious, which is the right PATH to take and where will it lead? Each journey is slightly different and leading to a different destination and degree of happiness, but which one is appropriate? It would be great to be able to see the consequences of our decisions, but I guess this would make life a little too easy, remove the unknown and you remove the satisfaction of making the choice! So a bit more soul searching to do, but I am confident I am taking the right path, even if I do stray occasionally! | March 2007 | Oil on canvas | 20” x 16”

86. Spring Forward | £100 | Hurrah, it’s the beginning of spring and the time of creativity and regeneration as life starts getting into gear to take advantage of the longer, sunnier and more fruitful days ahead. I have recently been feeling very lethargic and drained, which I know is down to my previous anguish regarding my weight gain. As a result I have been irrational about my eating habits and my loss of energy and motivation is a direct result of this. I can not mess about with this condition of mine anymore, and like the time of year, need to take a dramatic spring forward and make radical changes to both my physical and mental condition. I have sunnier days to look forward to and aspire to benefiting from a more fulfilled and contented life once again. This leap forward will not be easy; but it is one I am determined to make. This is going to be the start of a whole new me! | March 2007 | Oil on canvas | 20” x 16”

85. Bloomin’ Brilliance | £125 | Wow, we went out to see Amy perform her little heart out in ‘My Fair Lady’ last night. What an amazing production, I was blown away! The professionalism of the performance was unsurpassed and the energy and passion that was exuded was contagious. Amy shone like the star she is and not only did herself proud but also her entire family, she should be so proud. It is fair to say that the whole evening was ‘Bloomin’ Brilliant’ and the fervour of the whole evening has been truly inspirational. This painting has been conceived for Amy, who will always be my fair lady! | March 2007 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 24”

84. Am I Making Sense? | £100 | After my recent weight gain I have somehow lost my motivation to gain any more. I am left feeling confused and disorientated. My thoughts and emotions are in conflict right now and I am not making much sense to myself. I need to refocus and make sure my AIMS are clear, concise, positive and achievable and target my future with success. | March 2007 | Oil on canvas | 14” x 18”

83. Avian Madness | £100 | When living in France, I was berated every morning by the irritating cooing of the local pigeons. This morning chorus awoke me daily at 7:00am and I was never permitted a lie in. This was the bain of my French life and made the days long and lonely. I thought that returning to the UK and once again benefiting from double glazing, that I would be able to sleep peacefully once again. But oh how fate can have a dirty sense of humour! That blasted pigeon seems to have followed me and once again I find myself being driven to madness every morning by the incessant wake up call of my feathered nemesis. | March 2007 | Oil on canvas | 14” x 18”

82. Bunny Ears | £100 | For the first time in ages, I had a little bit of fun and ‘acted the goat’. Ro was looking for Easter gifts for her team and I spotted some fab ‘Bunny Ears’, which I subsequently modelled as we shopped around Asda! It was just a bit of fun, but I really enjoyed being silly again and realised what I have been missing out on for so long now. I need to remember these feelings during darker times and appreciate what gaining weight is all about. So just like my weekend frolic, this painting is just a little bit of fun and a memory jogger of the frivolity that is awaiting me. | March 2007 | Oil on canvas | 14” x 18”

81. Inner Iris | £75 | I have been soul searching since my recent weight gain, and to be honest have not been too sensible about it all. Why I am now trying to lose weight again I have no idea, I really need to get a grip on my goals and why I am trying to achieve them. I took a photo of Ro & myself over the weekend and looking at it has struck me with fear again; I look drawn, gaunt and a ghost of my former self. Interestingly, this is not how I view myself on a daily basis, probably because I have come to accept my current image and am now unable to see the real me. I need to look within myself with an inner iris and unify perception with reality. Until I do this, I am going to continue to find it difficult to gain more weight, perhaps I need to start a photo diary of my progression, rather than relying on scales to track my changes; after all, I am a visual person so possibly this sill provide me with more motivation to succeed, as I observe the results of my efforts in a more positive light. | March 2007 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 14”

80. Learning Icarus’s Fatal Error | £125 | I have been pushing myself really hard recently, with upping my lunches, changing my evening routine and generally eating more. Although this is very positive and I have been feeling much more energetic and lively, it has resulted in a gain of over two kilos within a week! This has left me feeling panicked and rather anxious, as this gain in weight has happened more rapidly than expected. I know that I want to maintain my freedom from this cage I have previously found myself in and fly once again; but I fear I am following in Icarus’s wing beats and flying too high, too quickly. If I am not careful I will get severely burnt and fall rapidly to my demise. I need to slow things down a bit right now and just enjoy my increased levels of energy and vigour; take stock a little and then move on once again to a higher place; but in a more adjusted and controlled way. I choose ‘LIFE’ over demise; but this has to be my way! | March 2007 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 24”

79. Uncaged | £125 | I am on cloud nine at the moment, I feel I have been released from a cage and am free to soar again and begin living a freer life. My energy and enthusiasm is bursting at the seams and I am revelling in every moment I have. I am adamant I do not want to go back to the more lethargic and monotonous life I have previously been living, but to embrace this new sense of vigour and make the most out of my life. This is not going to be an easy path, but with my new motivation I know I will succeed and will once again take to the air and rise to great heights. Let me be free from this cage evermore! | March 2007 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 24”

78. Such Overwhelming Love & Determination | £150 | I am overcome with elation about the amount of feedback I have received regarding my paintings and SerendipARTy. I don’t know how to go about thanking everyone for all their kind and thoughtful words and all the support I have been given. This has bestowed me with a surge of confidence and vigour to up my efforts in regaining my life and happiness. To top this, I have also sold my first paintings to a very dear friend which has imparted me with tremendous encouragement, impetus and determination to continue with my recovery and continue with this path I have chosen. Thank you to all of you, I love you from the bottom of my heart and promise to be back with you soon. | March 2007 | Oil on canvas | 30” x 20”

77. Oh Happy Days | I am going through a very positive phase at the moment and am enjoying every moment of it. I have designed, developed and made live my new website called ‘serendiARTy.com’, which displays all my art and follows my progression through this terrible illness. The sense of achievement is huge and I am very proud of what I have achieved here, it has given me a whole new lease of life and sense of purpose, which is what I have been striving for, for so long now. A recent get together with James has also made me realise that there are so many other people suffering with problems that aren’t of their own making, and they are coping with their issues far better than me at the moment. His faith is so strong and he draws such energy and drive from this, it was indeed an inspiration to me and has left me thinking about my own faith and what the future holds for me – this path is my choice, I know and I must take the right one, it may not be the easiest journey, but the reward at the end will be so more worthwhile and satisfying. I know deep in my heart I will follow the right path, but setting off is the hardest part right now. So it’s time to increase the intensity of desire, positivity, focus and faith and enjoy more ‘happy days’. | March 2007 | Oil on canvas | 20” x 30”

76. Jolt | £100 | Wow, for some reason I am feeling energised and vitalised. I don’t know where these feelings have come from, but I am enjoying them. I haven’t changed my routine, but I have to focus on the fact that I could be feeling like this all the time if I did adjust my life and got on with living. I must look back on this time and remember the feelings of happiness, vigour and motivation to push me forward during more difficult times. I should be taking this as the jolt I need to accelerate my development and progression. Additionally, I have started up my own personal website called serendipARTy.com, inspired by Mum and am currently immensely enthused and engrossed in getting it setup and running. I am very excited and giddy to see my art on-line and think that this is possibly the driving force that I have searched and required for so long. Let’s hope it is welcomed by others and is successful. | March 2007 | Oil on canvas | 14” x 18”

75. Dichotomy of Desires | £100 | I am torn between emotions, on one hand I need to regain my health, focus and energy in order to achieve the desires of my dreams, however at the same time, if I regain my health, focus and energy then I will be faced with situations that I do not want to come to terms with right now. So if I win I lose and I lose if I win! I know this is quite ironic, but I have to face reality, make some strong choices and decide which win/lose situation is the best available to me. | March 2007 | Oil on canvas | Two 12” x 16”

74. Lobster Pot | £125 | Like a trap, this angry and turbulent place is so easy to enter, but almost impossible to leave. I say almost impossible, as there is always a way out, it is just a matter of finding the exit and getting through to the more liberated and positive side. I am feeling a little down at the moment, as yet another undemanding job opportunity has passed me by. Why am I unable to secure employment in such a rudimentary role as supermarket cashier when I used to command such a senior position with an international company! These ludicrous rejections are really eating away at my feeling of worth right now, I don’t want to be that lobster on the way to the cooking pot and oblivion, I want to regain my freedom and soar with the birds again. Where is the escape!!! | March 2007 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 24”

73. Celestial Spectacular | £100 | I went out over the weekend for the first time in a long while. It was a night out at a Neil Diamond and Elvis performance with family and I had such a wonderful time. It was a very stressful build up to the event, with such a change to my routine, but once I was out and engulfed by the atmosphere, music and frivolity, I was reminded of old times when I used to go out partying every weekend and revelled in being the life and soul of the party – what has happened?! I so wanted to dance all night, and although I did get up for a boogie, I found myself lacking in strength and energy to go on all night. This was a bit of a wake-up call as I so yearn to go back out more regularly and start meeting some new friends and creating some new memories. On top of this star studded event, we had a lunar eclipse this weekend, which was spectacular to witness, and to say Ro was a little awe-struck by the physics of it all is a bit of an understatement. Anyway, I am resolute to progress with my well-being and although I too have faced an eclipse in my life, at some stage, the shadow lifts to reveal the full brilliance of the celestial body once again. | March 2007 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 14”

72. Fog Lights | £100 | My head is fogged up at the moment; I can not see clearly and am having great trouble focusing on my goals. My head is swimming with intensely deep emotions, thoughts and feelings which are clouding my way forward. I need to switch on the ‘fog lights’ and clear a path through this haze in order to regain my path of recovery. How powerful can I get these beams to shine in order to hasten my journey? | March 2007 | Oil on canvas | Two 10” x 14”

71. Fishing for Fitness | £100 | After a particular distressing and candid session with my councillor, I still managed to make it out to lunch with Mum & Dad. We found a lovely little French style bistro come pub on the way back from Stafford which we had all been keen to try out. I ended up not only eating, but thoroughly enjoying some beautiful sardine fillets on brochette, yes including the oil; although I chickened out on mozzarella and dressing – next time me thinks! Benefiting by a couple of glasses of wine, I was thoroughly relaxed about the situation and realised what I have been missing for such a long while. The joy of good food and even better company is a real wonder in lifting the soul. I must make sure I imprint this memory strongly in my conscious mind, so that next time I am faced with this opportunity I make the most of it and do not shy away through fear. Those little fish have not only improved my physical fitness but also my mental! | March 2007 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 14”

70. Guiding Light | £100 | Unlike a ‘Willow the Wisp’ I need a guiding light not to lead me further into the wooded darkness but to the bright outside. I know that I have a lot of thinking to do and some major decisions to make shortly, but as I have previously written, I am feeling trapped between a rock and a hard place. At the end of the day, I only have myself to blame for this and I am the only one who can conjure up that guiding light to lead me to a more happy place. Once again I find myself berating myself to stop all the lip service and put my feelings and emotions into action! | February 2007 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 14”

69. Soul of Serendipity | Donated to James | Serendipity is the effect by which one accidentally discovers something fortunate, especially while looking for something else entirely. It’s James’s birthday and he is in my thoughts. He has suffered so much over the past few years and I hope he finds his own ‘Serendipity’ soon. I love him so much and only wish I could be there more often to help him through some of his darker moments. However, he is a true fighter and I am sure will come out positive on the other side. Like James, I am also hoping to find my own serendipity some day soon! | February 2007 | Oil on canvas | 16” x 12”

68. Caught in a Trap | £100 | I feel like a prisoner in my own body! I need to make some serious decisions about the way forward but am physically unable to help myself until I start to improve my health! I am feeling very frustrated and underappreciated right now and know that I need to do something about it, but while I am in this terrible situation I am caught in a trap somewhat between my desires and what my head is telling me. I know I am being stupid, but this is harder than I ever imagined. I need to find the key to this trap and release myself from this turmoil! | February 2007 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 14”

67. Line in the Sand | £100 | Right, that’s it! I’m drawing a line in the sand and moving forward with my life. I am fed up with this current situation and need to move on rather than just talking about it, actions speak louder than words and at the moment all I am giving is lip service to this regeneration. If I want my life to change and be happy again (if I ever was?!) then I need to take some action and move away from this more turbulent past to a more serene and focused future! Lets get this line drawn good and proper and stop messing about! | February 2007 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 14”

66. Focus | £125 | If I am to move on with my life and make the necessary changes I need to, then I need to start focusing on the end goal. I if I remain here in this dark place then I will never achieve change, as Einstein said ‘Doing the same thing and expecting a different result is insanity!’ I need to get out of this rut, stop doing the same thing and focus on changing my life. | February 2007 | Oil on canvas | 30” x 20”

65. Soul Searching | £100 | I am not happy with where I currently am or my life as a whole at the moment. I am feeling less love from people close to me which I find immensely disturbing. Have I made the right lifestyle choices in the past? I don’t have the answer right now, so where do I go from here? I have so many questions, doubts and fears that are swamping my mind at the moment, I think I need to sit back and figure out what it is I actually want to get out of life now, where I want to be and how I am going to achieve this. These are very scary times for me right now, what will I be giving up to achieve my own happiness and who will be affected along the way, am I being selfish or too idealistic right now? One thing is for certain; I need search my soul in order to find some answers before I drive myself insane and alienate all those around me whom I love so dearly. | February 2007 | Oil on canvas | 24” x 18”

64. Second Fiddle | £75 | I am feeling a bit under appreciated at the moment by the person I care for most, and who should care for me. I am extremely proud of her recent promotion, and have utmost respect and admiration for her coping with her career and my illness at the same time, it can’t be easy for her and she works such long and demanding hours, I certainly need to do my part to help out and recover from this illness. However recently I feel I am playing ‘second fiddle’ to the company and my efforts to keep a household in working order are under appreciated and taken for granted. I too work hard around the house, keeping the place clean and tidy, a hot and healthy meal is on the table to take the pressures away from a hard days work and that all the domestic duties are taken care of, but I feel this is being overlooked. Not that I am looking for recognition all the time, but I am always asking about her day at work and taking interest in what she is doing and am there supporting her with her work hours, deadlines, problems and issues. However I do not feel I am getting the same in return. I am going to confront this predicament and we will see what the outcome will be, in the past when I have raised this, things have improved, but only temporarily before things go back to the old ways, I wonder how this one will turn out?! | February 2007 | Oil on canvas | 12” x 16”

63. Subliminal Serpent | £75 | I have been through a very hectic time recently; I have faced a medical, job interview, counselling sessions, family commitments, car issues, plus early starts and very little sleep. This has left me feeling exhausted and drained and has resulted in me suffering a minor cold, which is extremely rare for me. Like a game of ‘snake’s and ladder’s’, I have recently found myself climbing to the top of this illness and towards the winning post, but have unfortunately hit a snake along the way and am feeing very down at the moment. Hopefully I will start to receive some good news this week regarding a new job which will boost my recovery beyond belief and give me that ray of hope again that I need to regain. Until then, I am dwelling in a bit of self pity, which isn’t so bad once in a while, but I must get myself back on track soon and not linger in these darker places too long. | February 2007 | Oil on canvas | 24” x 18”

62. Burning Desire | £100 | I am fed up with this way of living; I have no energy or motivation to achieve anything significant. This is getting me down but I have a burning desire to release myself from this trap. Hopefully there will be some good news soon about employment opportunities which will really see me on the way to recovery. | February 2007 | Oil on canvas | 20” x 28”

60. Coming Home | Donated to Mum & Dad | Mum & Dad are returning from their French cottage this weekend and I can’t wait to see them. They have been away now for three weeks and I miss them terribly. They are so good for me and full of love and support, but I fear I may be relying on them a bit too much at the moment. However until I get a little stronger I am going to take full advantage of being close to them and show them all my love in return. | February 2007 | Oil on canvas | 16” x 12”

59. Generations | £100 | Grandad had a bit of a fall recently and had to go into hospital to be checked out. He’s OK, but it made me stop and think about how fragile we all are and how important it is to make the most out of our lives at every opportunity – something that I am certainly not doing at the moment! It also made me think of family and how loving and supporting they all are and about how much I would like children of my own. Both Ro & I are unable to have children right now, mainly down to my current condition and I need to rectify this urgently if we stand any chance of a family of our own and creating future generations. I must focus on this as the greatest achievement of all for coming through this illness. I need to sort out my life and make all the changes necessary to allow us the greatest chance of children. | February 2007 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 14”

58. Agony of Silence | £100 | I was promised a call back from my recent interview yesterday, but I have been let down. I made a few calls to try & find out if I had been successful but once again to no avail. Not knowing the outcome is actually worse than being told I have been unsuccessful, this silence is agonising! None the less, I will not let this get me down (too much!) and will continue to search for a job and a way out of this darkness. | January 2007 | Oil on canvas | 16” x 12”

57. Entry | £100 | I am turning a corner and have decided that my route to recovery will be assisted by going back out to work. I have therefore not only applied for a new position but have been granted an interview session and hope of getting back into civilisation. Although going back to work and making such changes to my routine will be extremely difficult, and no doubt traumatic for me, this could see my exit from darker places and entry to a brighter future. | January 2007 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 14”

56. Red Eye | £100 | I am so tired, both physically and emotionally! Ro’s new job has meant that we are getting up a lot earlier and the early starts and long days are making me very tired, but I am also finding I am having more and more time to think during the day, but unfortunately I am not putting this thinking to positive effect and am spending too much time thinking about food and my issues. I need to turn this around and start focusing on a more positive side to life or I will continue to drive myself deeper and deeper into this illness of mine. | January 2007 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 14”

55. Parting the Waves of Apprehension | £100 | I am still struggling to come to terms with my illness and put on the weight that I need. I know why I am still finding this stage difficult, so I just need to get my head around the problem and move on. Basically, I have been promised the help I need in order to help me recover, but this promise is only a promise of referral to a specialist and the outcome I desire is not guaranteed. My fear is that I gain the weight and still do not realise my dream, but as previously explained, I really need to take a leap of faith, as before I do I will not even reach the referral stage and have no hope of achieving my goal. So I need to Part the Waves of Apprehension I am currently enduring and place my trust in the people who are supporting me and I have to believe that I will qualify and realise my dreams. | January 2007 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 14”

54. Oh La La! | £100 | No deep meaning to this painting, I was just thinking about Mum and Dad out in France and thought I would experiment with some new techniques and paint what was in my heart at the time of thinking about them. | January 2007 | Oil on canvas | 28” x 20”

53. Phoenix | £350 | Rising out of the ashes, the Phoenix is re-born! I am going through quite a dark period right now, doubting my worth and stressing on about my eating habits and how I am going to push on forwards. I have achieved so much recently but am still unhappy with where I currently am, but like the Phoenix, I always become stronger for being burnt and re-born, so time for some positive thinking, set some goals and targets and get ready to soar out of my own ashes. | January 2007 | Oil on canvas | 20” x 28”

52. Pondering Worth | £100 | This is a difficult time for me right now, I am definitely on the road to recovery, but as I start to enjoy higher energy levels, my mind is also becoming more active and I have started to review this dark period of my life. Was it the right thing to do in giving up my career, what am I going to do now with the rest of my life, what am I good at anymore?! These questions are very disconcerting and worrying beyond belief which is having a negative effect on my progression. What am I now worth?! I have failed to come up with any positive answers to this question right now, but I know I need to and soon so as not to fall into regression. I keep getting asked the question, ‘what did you do today?’ I fail to find a satisfying answer; I fill my days with my routines but bear very little productivity from them. This has to change. | January 2007 | Oil on canvas | 10” x 14”

51. Finding Comfort | £100 | I have moved into a new regime since Ro has started her new job, it has not been easy and it has been playing with my mind somewhat. However, I am slowly starting to reach a point at which I am more comfortable with my eating and definitely on the way to finding my comfort zone in which I can move forward and regain control of my life. This is the beginning of a whole new me! | January 2007 | Oil on canvas | 14” x 18”

50. New Horizons | £100 | Well, it’s a New Year and a brand new start to my life. The thought of change is still very scary and daunting but I know the end results will be so worthwhile. After all I will be happy and fulfilled! The road ahead is going to be a difficult one, and one not without its hazards, but unless I keep on pushing forwards I will never achieve my goals, so it is time to bite the bullet, cease this hypocrisy and embrace the changes that are about to come. A new horizon definitely lies ahead of me, and it is of a brighter, healthier and happier future. | January 2007 | Oil on canvas | 10” x 14”

49. On My Own | £100 | Christmas has come and gone, and what a wonderful time it has been. I had been stressing on about this period for quite a while, but how wrong could I have been! Listening to Amy sing ‘On My Own’ from Les Miserables was definitely one of the highlights of this holiday period, but it also made me realise that I am not on my own and that I have so much support, care and love around me that how can I not move forward and break out from this turmoil I am living. I love all those around me so much that I am now actually looking forward to the changes that are about come and will break through my personal pain barriers not only for them but for me. I am not alone and never will be! | December 2006 | Oil on canvas | 14” x 18”

48. Choices | £100 | I am always advocating to people that life is made up of choices, so why do I not heed my own advice? Meeting James today has made me realise that he has no choice over his illness of MS, but has made the choice to make the most out of his life. I on the other hand do have a choice over my illness but have not made the same positive steps to regain control of my life. I now understand that I need to make the choice to improve my quality of life and begin to enjoy living again. Easier said than done, but I have made huge steps forward but I feel the next stage of my progress is going to be the most difficult as I face massive changes to my routine, but here is where the choice lies, do I fight it, or change my mind-set and push through this pain barrier? I know where my comfort zone lies, but that is not the answer and it is time to push those boundaries and break out of this torment! | December 2006 | Oil on canvas | 14” x 18”

47. Aura of Laura | Sold | Don’t know why, but I had a sudden urge to paint my feelings of my sister. She is such a vibrant, passionate, energetic, devoted and loving person with so much conviction in everything she does. I love her to death and am looking forward to once again being the brother she once knew and cherished. | December 2006 | Oil on canvas | 12” x 16”

46. Foggy Flicker | £75 | Fog has descended all around, not only with the weather but within my head! I am so excited about Ro coming home for Christmas and us starting a new life, but am still panicking about the changes that are about to come. I know deep down that this is exactly what I desire but some random fog has come in to blur my vision of the future. Time to blow this fog away and get on with rejuvenation. | December 2006 | Oil on canvas | 10” x 14”

45. Little Voices | £100 | I went to see my nephews Christmas show tonight, he looked so sweet and happy stood up on stage and he performed his little heart out. He and his year group performed a version of the ‘Nativity Play’; and listening to their little voices sing out proudly the finale of ‘Brand New Day’, stopped me in my tracks and I became very aware of the fact that I need to eradicate my little voices from my head and also face a brand new day! A brand New Year, a brand new day and a brand new me! Thanks Toby. | December 2006 | Oil on canvas | 12” x 16”

44. Desperately Seeking Sunshine | £100 | Rain, rain and a little bit more rain, with some strong winds thrown in for good measure, when will this dreadful weather break for a while?! I know it is winter but enough is enough! Not only is the weather bleak at the moment, but so is my state of mind. I am still stressing about up and coming events interrupting my routines but also about the radical changes I will soon need to make for the New Year. I know these changes are positive for me and without doubt the right way forward, but I am still scared and searching deep within myself to understand how constructive this transformation will be. But none the less, I am still finding it very difficult and I am fraught with apprehension, even though the resulting outcome is what I have desired for so long. So right now, I am desperately seeking some sunshine, not only with the weather, but within my soul! | December 2006 | Oil on canvas | 12” x 16”

43. Facing Future Fears | £100 | What a rollercoaster of emotions! My routine is about to come to an end as Ro breaks up for Christmas in two weeks and from then on she will be coming home on a daily basis. On the positive side, this is my opportunity to change my routine and get into a healthier eating pattern as I still need to gain weight and Ro lose it – ironic I know! Having Ro at home every day is very exciting and I am really looking forward to spending more time with her and living a more normal life, I say more, but should really be a normal life! But I am facing some very emotional and stressful times thinking about the change to my routine, I am very scarred of this change and don’t know how I am going to adapt and cope, but I know this is the push that I need and must focus on the positive to end these destructive habits, but non the less I am feeling very anxious about the situation. I need to face my future fears and push on with affirmative thoughts. I really want all this to come to an end and move on with my life in a more productive way, so why am I still so worried?! | December 2006 | Oil on canvas | 14” x 18”

42. Weathering the Storm | £100 | Not only is the weather very stormy right now, time of year I guess, but there is a storm going on in my head. For some reason, which I can not explain, or rationalise, I am feeling very depressed and downcast at the moment. I am sure this is only a temporary slump, but it is very disconcerting after such a recent period of positive progression. I guess I will just need to ride this one out and weather the storm and hope that it will blow itself soon out and I can once again face clearer skies. Additional: Looking at this picture is ironically constructive as I do not want to feel this low again, so will make sure I take steps to be more positive, focused and progress more swiftly to happiness! | December 2006 | Oil on canvas | 16” x 12”

41. Hypnotic Skies | £100 | I have been stressing recently about an evening out at my eldest nieces Christmas show, it begins at 19:30, which directly impacts on my evening routine. I have faced disruption before, but this one is a little too much for me. However I was informed by my sister tonight that she has booked tickets for me for my nephews Christmas play next week starting at 19:30 and my youngest nieces show next week at 18:30! This has put an awful lot of pressure to me and I am in a state of panic. However as I arrived at my parents tonight, there was this most amazing full moon, set in a backdrop of an incredible lilac and pink sky that had me mesmerized. I have dwelt on this staggering spectacle and realised that there is more to life than my routines. My family is too precious to me, to allow my own weaknesses to get in the way, so I will push myself to the limit and make changes to my life in order to be involved with my niece and nephews performances and be there with the love and support they display me. | December 2006 | Oil on canvas | 10” x 14”

40. Emotions | Self Owned | This is both a representation of the colours I use in my paintings to express my emotions and as a reference for myself: Awareness: Browns (Top Left); Passion: Reds & Oranges (Top Right); Faith: Yellows & Light Greens (Bottom Left); Composure: Blues & White (Bottom Right) | December 2006 |Oil on canvas | Four 8” x 8”

39. Awe-inspiring Awakenings | £75 | I awoke early this morning to the most awe-inspiring dawn beaming through my window, instead of rolling over, back to sleep, I lay there, staring deep into the vivid yellows, reds and blues that were being fashioned in front of me. Can this be the greatest show on Earth?! I gained more and more inspiration as I watched the constant changing colours and as dawn flowed into morning, I arose, fully enthused for the day ahead; and with plans of creativity surging, I got myself into gear for a great day ahead. Needless to say, it has been a very productive day, and the memory of that dawn has lingered with me throughout. Perhaps this is the dawning of my new life, and if it is, I hope it can be as spectacular as this morning’s display of glory. | November 2006 | Oil on canvas | 12” x 16”

38. Been Long Time | Donated to Mum & Dad | I have been stressing recently about continuing dinners with my parents, tonight was meant to be one of them, but being rebellious I have cancelled it, as I do not want to get into a weekly routine of evening meals and feeling rubbish. However I know this is wrong and I must push myself to get out of my evening routine as this is the most unhealthy part of my life right now. What I can’t understand is why, as I have been given the answer to my dreams on a plate, why I am still struggling to gain weight and change my attitude to food? This dilemma is playing strongly on my mind and I must find an answer and solution shortly in order to move forward and achieve my goals. On the positive side of things, I substituted tonight’s dinner for lunch with my Mum, we went to a gorgeous little country pub, the second oldest in the UK as it turned out, and instead of my usual side salad I managed to both order and eat a BLT, this certainly has Been a Long Time, in fact well over a year now, going on for two! Wow, has it been that long, I really do need to get my act together, what am I fighting? I am loving my art right now and have embarked on a new opportunity of designing cards under the name of ‘Rose’, I am motivated committed and re-energised, so why am I still following this current path? Get a grip Phil and move on to something more productive! People around you will only support you so far before becoming strained! Note: Mum has expressed a desire to own this painting and has been dedicated to her. | November 2006 | Oil on canvas | ??” x ??”

37. Creativity | £75 | I have started making cards, initially this was to save money for Christmas and to give that personal touch from Ro & I, but I have enjoyed it so much I have started creating cards for all occasions. Ro had the original idea of making a business out of making cards and she has always had a desire to open up a card shop, so with this in mind I have started creating cards under our first concept of ‘Rose’. I am at a really creative point in my life at the moment and not only am I enjoying this new lease of life, but feel I must make the most of it for my recovery and really start pushing the boundaries. Let’s see if this is the beginning of a whole new, creative and rejuvenated me! | November 2006 | Oil on canvas | 10” x 14”

36. Cross | Self owned in the memory of Aunt Ada | A triple whammy really. Firstly this is a symbol of Christianity which Aunt Ada had such faith in and will now be looked after by; the second being that I am cross I went to see Aunt Ada in her coffin, she looked so small, like a little porcelain doll, she was empty and not the vibrant soul I have such fond memories of; the third, being quite amusing to lift the mood, was that Laura thought Aunt Ada looked cross, in her view, cross at dying! Well you have to find the fun side in things don’t you – good on you sis. Additional: Aunty, the little minx, has been playing games, not only did this drying painting have a fly stuck on it, but when I went down to pick it up (in order to place our beautiful black Christmas Tree), I put a finger nail straight through the paint, making a huge mark in it! I went to correct the faults, but as the paint was semi-dry, it all crinkled up and ruined the entire painting, no matter how much I tried, I just made it worse! In the end, I had a true ‘queeny fit’ and scratched the painting all over screaming ‘it’s ruined’! In the end, I scrapped off all of the paint and decided to start again. Funnily, I prefer this version of the painting, it is lighter and more positive than previous, and so I believe Aunty was trying to tell me that she wasn’t happy with version one – there are subtler ways you know! Anyway, version two is completed and I hope Aunty likes it, so yet another valid reason for the paintings name, as I was well and truly cross this morning! | November/December 2006 | Oil on canvas | 12” x 16”

35. Confusion | £50 | I can not explain what is going on in my head at the moment, I really want to get over this illness and the only way to achieve my goal is by putting on weight, so why am I still fighting this?! I am desperate for the resolution I desire and as everyone has explained, the only way I will achieve this is by becoming physically and mentally enhanced. So if I want this so badly, why am I still continuing with my routines and fighting the urge to gain weight? I am currently at a loss and am utterly confused as to why I am fighting against the results I desire. How do I escape this trap? Can anyone help? I guess the answer to that is to stop looking for someone to make it happen, I am the only one who can do that so I should get on and help myself, no matter how much support and love I am given, at the end of the day it is down to me and me alone, so I should stop ‘acting the goat’ as my Nan would say, and get on with getting better and living life again. Easy to say, hard to do but I have to move out of this dark zone! No more confusion, just determination and vision from now on! | November 2006 | Oil on canvas | 14” x 10”

34. Northern Lights | Donated to Nan & Grandad | It is amazing that no matter what is going on, what emotional level you are on or just need someone to have a chat and laugh with, Nan and Grandad are always there just when you need them. I have no idea how they do it, some kind of voodoo, but they always seem to be there, giving support when you need it most. I have so much love, gratitude and admiration for Nan and Grandad that I want to give to them both but have no idea how to put it down in words, so instead of trying I will repay them with my undying love. They truly are the ‘Northern Lights’ of my life! Note: This painting is dedicated to Sherry’s Nan & Grandad | November 2006 | Oil on canvas | ??” x ??”

33. A Deity Awakens | Self Owned | 15th November 2006, a day of reflection. Unfortunately Aunt Ada has passed away today; it was quick and painless but a tragic end to her wonderful life. She was full of life and energy right up until the end, always remaining positive and having a smile on her face and a laugh in her voice. I have cherished memories of my Great Aunt Ada, from her welcome of ‘Eee Hiya Love’ with that beaming smile on her face; the ice-cream floats she used to make Laura and myself and the brown bowls we ate ice-cream from until we could see the church at the bottom; the record player that I used as a race track for her various cans of fish food, and the porcelain figurine of ‘Sherry’; the games draw where we used to play and listen to her Doves musical box of ‘Lara’s Song’; the way she used to feed the local birds and would always have her ‘Blacky’; the walk from her home, teetering on top of the wall as she waves a fond farewell; the love and memories she gave my Mum, of her Wednesday bath nights, a game of ‘Sorry’ and a glass of Mackeson’s; the ‘rat-tat-tat- -tat-tat’ on every door as you enter the house; never hearing a bad word uttered from her lips and the deep feeling of gratitude and love you always felt from her whenever you spoke to her. She will be greatly missed by us all, but has found her peace back with the old gang, I’m sure she has a drink in one hand and a deck of cards in the other, while she laughs the night away. Bless you Aunt Ada; you are an inspiration and will always be in our hearts. Additional: I needed to visit the bathroom last night, whilst there the lights flashed off then on again, with the outside lights going on as well, no fuse had been blown! Is this Aunty trying to let me know that everything is OK and she is still going to be around? I can only wonder. Checked the clock on my return, it was 05:10. | November 2006 | Oil on canvas | 12” x 16”

32. Pheasant Plucker! | £50 | Is this the ‘Good Life’ or what?!? I had a delivery of a brace of Pheasant and a Rabbit awaiting me at my parents and have spent the morning skinning, plucking and de-gutting! Rather satisfying in a macabre kind of way and to be honest I thoroughly enjoyed myself, although there was a slight dodgy moment over pheasant guts and crops! Anyway, I have been working hard over my eating habits and am now feeling more energetic to the extent that I am starting to become bored with my routine and need more to fulfil my time and life. This is great news but I need to make sure I make the right decisions on what to focus on in order to help with my recovery. Painting is really fulfilling, but I crave an outlet for my creations, perhaps this increase in energy will help me progress with this further. | POEM: I'm not a pheasant plucker, I'm a pheasant plucker's son I'm only plucking pheasants 'till the pheasant plucker comes. Me husband is a keeper, he's a very busy man I try to understand him and I help him all I can, But sometimes in an evening I feel a trifle dim All alone, I'm plucking pheasants, when I'd rather pluck with him. I'm not a pheasant plucker, I'm a pheasant plucker's mate I'm only plucking pheasants 'cos the pheasant plucker's late ! I'm not good at plucking pheasants, at pheasant plucking I get stuck Though some pheasants find it pleasant I'd rather pluck a duck. Oh plucking geese is gorgeous, I can pluck a goose with ease But pheasant plucking's torture because they haven't any grease. I'm not a pheasant plucker, he has gone out on the tiles He only plucked one pheasant and I'm sitting here with piles! You have to pluck them fresh, if it’s fresh they’re not unpleasant, I knew a man in Dunstable who could pluck a frozen pheasant. They say the village constable had pheasant plucking sessions With the vicar on a Sunday ‘tween the first and second lessons. I'm not a pheasant plucker, I'm a pheasant plucker's mum I'm only plucking pheasants 'till the pheasant plucker's come. My good friend Godfrey is most adept, he's really got the knack He likes to have a pheasant plucked before he hits the sack. I like to give a helping hand, I gather up the feathers, It's really all our pheasant plucking keeps us pair together. I'm not a pheasant plucker, I'm a pheasant plucker's friend I'm only plucking pheasants as a means unto an end ! My husband's in the forest always banging with his gun If he could hear me half the time I'm sure that he would run, For there's fluff in all my crannies, there's feathers up my nose And I'm itching in the kitchen from my head down to my toes. I'm not a pheasant plucker, I'm a pheasant plucker's wife And when we pluck together it's a pheasant plucking life! | November 2006 | Oil on canvas | 14” x 10”

31. Anguish of Advancement | £75 | I managed to eat a whole evening meal and keep it down for the first time in over a year – what progress! Unfortunately, however, I went through terrible pain and anguish during the night, hot and cold sweats, nightmares, stomach pains and restlessness. Is this the incentive I can look forward to in order to achieve my goals?! Oh the irony of advancement! Non the less, I am committed to this road and will not be diverted so onwards we go, I am sure things will calm down, as they have done with my lunches, but I am not looking forward to more of these restless nights. I am sure some part of it is down to my mental attitude to eating so I need to overcome this in order to progress further. With my current progress I know I can achieve this, so onwards we go. | November 2006 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 14”

30. Lifetime Turmoil Averted Through Kinship | Donated to Laura & Tim | Further confirmation of my dream becoming reality has been made recently, but the only person who can now make it happen is me. This is really difficult, I have no idea why I should be fighting this now, but having been through so much, and anguished for so long, it is difficult to break the mould, even though the results of doing so will bring me the resolution I dream of. This is still a huge leap of faith however, as at the end of this part of the journey, there is still no guarantee that I can proceed to the next stage. But until I complete this first leg of the journey, I will never find out and have only myself to blame. So here we go, on the hardest journey I think I will ever, hopefully, make! But with all the support that I have around me, I now know that a Lifetime of Turmoil will be, and indeed has been Averted Through Kinship. Note: This painting is dedicated to my sister (Laura), Tim, Amy, Toby & Katy for whom, returning to the UK and having them around me, I would not have been able to make this passage towards happiness. L(aura)ifetime; T(im)urmoul; A(my)verted; T(oby)hrough; K(aty)inship | November 2006 | Oil on canvas | ??” x ??”

29. Leap of Faith | £100 | I have received some terrific news about my future. If I start to develop a better attitude towards my illness and make some positive and dramatic steps to improve my health then I will be rewarded by being given the support and backing I need to make me happy again. Although this is incredible to hear, there is a caveat in place, and that is before any further support is given, I have to make the first moves, which is only fair and I am prepared to now make this commitment in order to resolve my issues. Unfortunately, there is still no guarantee that the results I desire will be Available to me, even when I start to make a difference to my health, but without making these changes I will be denying myself the opportunity to at least find out. So here is the leap of faith, I make the commitment, but with no definite resolution in place, I will be gutted and destroyed if anyone now goes back on their word, but worst of all will be getting half way down the road and facing another dead end by not being able to reach my final goal and having the help I am looking for. This is a real possibility, but unless I give it a go I will never find out and will only have myself to blame, so here we go, a new start and hopefully, shortly, a new happy life! | November 2006 | Oil on canvas | 27.5” x 19.5”

28. Fear in Faith | £50 | I have opened up with what I believe to be the route cause of my problems, I know that the solution is very tangible but I am still being told that this is not the answer. I have so much faith that I know what is right for me, but being told I am wrong is clouding my judgement and making me question my own resolution. This is causing me great anxiety at the moment as if I do not now what I want then when will I ever? I know I will never accept myself the way that I am, but I am being told that this is what I should be doing. I feel desperate right now to find some resolution to my problems but have a great fear that my own faith in working out my issues will not come to fruition, or indeed is taking me down the wrong path. How do I progress from here? I so want to feel better about myself but am not convinced that this current analysis is the right way forward. I am angry, frightened and confused! | October 2006 | Oil on canvas | 12” x 10”

27. Evoking Exposure | £75 | I have finally come to terms with my main issues with myself, which for some reason feels really good, although I still have major concerns that I will be unable to do anything about it. I have opened up to my family and feel a great relief removed from my shoulders. However now this is out in the open, there is no return and I know that some very difficult conversations are about to take place. I know everyone will be there to support but the real help I need is still out of my reach and I am terrified of falling backwards at this stage of my progression. Let’s hope things will continue to move forward as swiftly as they have so far and this is the beginning of the end, wherever that may be. Whatever the outcome, I think this is going to be the hardest part of the journey, so I must continue to focus on the positive and not allow myself to slip backwards. Whatever, things are now out in the open and there is no hiding from that now, I am exposed and feeling very afraid! | October 2006 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 14”

26. Disquieting Tranquillity | £75 | I know for no reason why I am feeling completely at ease right now, my life should be kick started from this opportunity, but why do I suddenly feel this is the calm before the storm?! Pessimistic I know, and I should be more focused on the great feelings and state of calm I am currently experiencing – Oh what the hell, let’s go for it! | October 2006 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 14”

25. Inner Rutting | £75 | Oh what turmoil I am in. On one hand I am now desperate to overcome my problems and am in fact fighting to continue in some senses, but on the other hand I have a dream that will help me on my way but the opportunity keeps being taken away from me. In the past I prevented myself from achieving the results I wanted but now, outside intervention seems to be in force. I know what I want but am continually being told that this will not resolve my problems and although this may be partly accurate, what I want is very tangible and achievable and I truly believe that this solution will be the catalyst to me resolving all my other issues. Without this change to myself I seriously do not believe I will ever accept who I am and therefore can not even consider resolving other issues. Saying all this, I still do want to overcome my problems but an answer of becoming more comfortable with myself without the changes I desire depresses me beyond belief. So here I am, wanting to make changes but fear that I will have to compromise too much and am unable to achieve happiness. Where do I go from here? | October 2006 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 14”

24. Transition | £75 | Like the seasons, I am in a period of change, although right now I do not know what this change is; I just know it is coming. Both daunting and exhilarating at the same time, let’s see the outcome of this one. Still keeping positive! | October 2006 | Oil on canvas | 20” x 16”

23. Restless Resolutions | £50 | I have been dwelling on the answer to my problems for some time now and although I am desperate to get out of this situation and become happy again, I am still very fearful and anxious about the solutions being currently proposed to me. I know the answer I want but am afraid it is unavailable to me on several fronts, so how do I progress knowing that I can not have what will make me happy?! This quandary is really starting to get the better of me and I am being torn between emotions of wanting to succeed and yet feel I am already starting to give up hope. I need to pick myself up over the next couple of weeks and start re-focusing on the positive in my life and trying to change my internal view of myself. | October 2006 | Oil on canvas |18” x 14”

22. Surreal Serenity | £50 | Things seem to be under control at the moment and progression seems likely, but I am still in turmoil underneath about my condition. I know now that I want to get over this but am scared that this is the only way I know how to hurt myself, and get noticed, about the way I feel about my body. If I start to recover then I fear my major concerns will be dismissed as everyone will assume I am on the mend, whereas the reality will be I am still hiding my emotions and thoughts and I will just move onto some other fixation. One thing for sure, I need some resolution to this problem and fast! | October 2006 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 14”

21. Epitome of Love | Donated to Mum & Dad | Family love is an amazing thing! When darkness is all around and despair seems the only option, along comes your family and provides that beacon of light to get you through – we can never do without the love and support of our family. After many heart searching moments over these current issues in France, everyone has rallied around and provided so much support it is incredible, I will be forever indebted to their loyalty, love and devotion as I still linger in these darker places. On a more positive note however, this show of love has really made me look even deeper and harder into myself and am determined to address and overcome my problems. Note: This painting is dedicated to my parents, without whom support and encouragement I would never have even started on this path to happiness, I owe them more than I can ever return and love them with all my heart. | October 2006 | Oil on canvas | ??” x ??”

20. La Disparité d'Opinion (Disparity of Opinion) | £50 | To add insult to injury to my current situation, there is a major disagreement blossoming with the electrics at our French property. It appears that work has come to a complete halt until we have paid money up front! The argument being that they need money to complete the work and that they currently owe rent and have no funds for food or petrol, my point of view is that this is none of my concern that they need to manage their own money and it is very unusual to pay for work prior to completion. We are now being threatened with court action (that should be fun). Heated discussions over the phone do not fill me with security about the work that is being carried out, and increases my tension over actually ever selling the property to realise our capital that we have invested. Without this equity we will be unable to move on with our lives in the UK – oh how these things are sent to try us! | October 2006 | Oil on canvas | 12” x 9”

19. Considering Reality | £50 | The reality of my situation is still praying heavily on my mind, and the answer to my questions, or rather fears, still seem unobtainable. I feel that no-one understands how I am suffering, I know that everyone around wants me to be happy and they want me to accept who I am but this does not feel achievable to me. I am spending more and more time not only dwelling on my situation, and hating it, but trying to come to a conclusion that I will not move forward unless I make some radical changes to my mind-set, although this is still not the answer I really desire. I try and remain as positive as I can and put on my famous happy front, but underneath I am hurting more and more as my desires seem to be being ripped away from me! | October 2006 | Oil on canvas | 12” x 9”

18. Contradiction in the Future | £50 | I am currently feeling very emotionally distraught and caught between positivity and relapse. My recent work with my councillor has thrown up some disturbing emotions and what I feel is the route cause of my problems but I am terrified that the answer I am given or at least am expected to come to is the same as before, as in everything is ok, things are normal and not to worry! This is not the answer I am looking for as I do not feel that I am right and am unable to come to terms with the way I am. To be told that everything is ok is really playing on my mind and causing me a great deal of stress! On the other hand, I am still putting on weight and trying to stay positive and focused for everyone around me (another problem of mine) and we have received some fantastic news about Ro’s career and her promotion to a significantly higher role, although I am battling the idea of disrupting my routine on a daily basis when she starts to live here full time – although I am really excited at the same time. So basically, a lot of emotional dilemmas in contradiction with each other, which I need to address. First and foremost I must make it clear to my councillor that the answer he looks like he is expecting is not the one I want to hear or accept – my biggest fear at the moment is that all this is pointless and I will regress yet again. Let’s not let that happen! | October 2006 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 14”

17. Inner Revelations | £75 | This is a very emotional part of my life right now. I have disclosed deepest darkest fears about my body to my councillor and broken down in front of him! Hopefully this will be the start of my true recovery, but right now I am in a very dark place and want to be alone, although I know I have to push on with family life. This is a very trying period for me, but I am still hanging on to a little hope right now. I know things will improve but am frightened of the results and the paths that will be on offer to me, which one should I take and can I change paths down the road or is this decision setting my route from now on? I must not let these questions and emotions get me down too much, although I am sure I can have a period of self remorse. I will pick myself up and let all these emotions, set-backs and feelings make me stronger. | September 2006 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 14”

16. Apprehension | £75 | Working hard on putting on weight, although I am still challenging my thoughts further as to why I am doing this. Keeping myself so ill does not make sense to me anymore but I can’t seem to find the doorway out of this hell! I have tried so hard to eat this week, especially lunch but after last weeks devastating news about further weight loss, I am very apprehensive about this next weigh in session. My parents have returned from France and I know they suspect something is wrong, I really want to give them, and myself, some good news and hope for the future. | September 2006 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 14”

15. Irony of Progression | £75 | I have received very bad news about my weight loss. Even though made radical changes to diet and routines I have still lost weight. Still focusing on positive and going to try even harder to gain weight and overcome this disease! | September 2006 | Oil on canvas | 20” x 16”

11. Positivity in Turmoil | £75 | Facing a set back on the weight gain but not going to let it get to me, instead I am going to take this as an opportunity to make more changes to my life and continue to push on forward positively. | September 2006 | Oil on canvas | 18” x 14”

10. Oracle of Frustration | £75 | Tried to explain how I felt about situation to Kay, concluded that I was frustrated with not overcoming problems and moving on with life. I know I have so much more to offer but am still hanging on the precipice of change. Frustration is the best way to explain how I feel right now, but admitting it is an eye opener for me. | September 2006 | Oil on canvas | 14” x 18”

9. Fanning the flames of enhancement | £50 | Still facing confusion of why I am continuing with this routine when I am so ready to stop and move on. Still unable to find way out, although feel the answer is out there and ready to appear soon. Holding on in there and keeping positive, finding more reasons to move on to new path rather than continue with current. | September 2006 | Oil on canvas | 12” x 9”

5. Faith in Anger | £50 | Angry with myself due to fighting overcoming Ana. Can’t understand problems but honestly feel that there is hope on the horizon and thing will soon be better, although there is still turmoil to come. | August 2006 | Oil on canvas | 14” x 10.6”

3. Troubled Waters | £25 | Feeling calmer and more relaxed, able to cope with situations and changes to daily routine more readily. Able to interact with people more easily but still suffering from confusion, anger, anxiety and panic. | August 2006 | Oil on canvas panel | 9.5” x 7”

2. Pulse | £25 | Completed this after hearing news that I may have suffered a heart attack! | Oil on canvas panel | May 2006 | 9.5” x 7”

1. Demise of the Sunflower | £25 | First painting, feeling very lonely and sorry for oneself in France. Very bad period of Ana. And didn’t know where to turn. This was autumn and tried to capture the change in seasons with the sunflower as it comes to the end of its life. | November 2005 | Oil on canvas panel | 13” x 8.12”